Random Ravings of an Elven Prince
by A.E. Hall
Summary: I was sitting at my computer, when suddenly, a certain elf fell into my lap and started shouting at me in Sindarin... not a Marysue, simply a story of a very disturbed Elven prince.
1. Meetings

Chapter 1.

Hello all, my name is Annabeth Hall, better known to some of you as A.E. Hall. I hold myself as a Tolkien fan, but when a certain elf fell into my lap while I was sitting at the computer last night, I could not believe it. I mean I'm human, and I admit Orlando Bloom is really hot, but an actual elf, you guys have no idea how much better looking the real Legolas is.

So for a few clarifications, the real Legolas has honey blonde hair that falls slightly beneath his shoulders and leaf-green eyes, (hence the name Greenleaf, it's a genetic thing), he is much more solemn than some would like to believe and when he fell into my lap he quickly rose and started to threaten me in Sindarin. I was a bit alarmed but quickly pulled up my handy dandy Sindarin translator and got right to work translating… This is how the conversation went…

Legolas: "Who are you? What have you done with my companion the dwarf, Gimli? He is a valiant friend, and if I find you have hurt him there will be dire consequences."

Me: "I am a mad cow… oh wait, sorry ignore that bit, um… Me good, you come from Arda across halls of time."

Legolas: Looks at me strangely, "Where am I?"

Needless to say, explaining to an elf that he has traversed time and space in some strange event and has been transported to our world is harder than it sounds, especially when you have a limited knowledge of said elf's language. Eventually though I was able to make him understand that he was now in a different world. Being and elf, and therefore extremely intelligent he was quickly enamored with my computer. Hey it gave him something to do without accusing me of being a servant of Morgoth, give me a break!

Anyway, after quickly setting my computer to the Sindarin setting (don't ask me where I got it, the black market is pretty sensitive about what you say about their merchandise) Legolas… sorry Prince Legolas (he's a little sensitive about his title with commoners) explored my favorites list on the internet and soon found the website…

Needless to say, he was glued to the computer for hours… and when he found how many stories were written about him he was quite flattered, however… He was not so happy about said stories and soon I was sitting precariously with his knife (not knives, turns out he only has one… who would of thunk… except maybe the people who read the books…) at my throat and rather unflattering remarks being aimed towards me.

I quickly explained to him that I don't write those stories in fact I leave off even reading any one's with him in it, there is just so much junk to filter through these days. He narrowed his eyes and took his knife away cautiously as if waiting for me to turn into an orc and try and run away.

The next couple hours were composed of him sitting mindlessly, reading fic after fic that had his name in it and his jaw tightening ever so slightly as he clicked each link. It was very silent and very cold. After about the 280'th fic (turns out elves read really, really fast) he turned quietly and shut off the computer.

"And so we saved the world, only to be immortalized in this filth? The ring is destroyed and yet the evil remains, this is how Mithrandir said it would be. But none of us could have foreseen this evil, is there more? Are there others? Do they defame the king Aragorn? The brave Boromir? The joyous hobbits who toiled so long to destroy evil? Are there any that commit blasphemy against Ilùvatar, blessed be his name, or Varda, beloved of the firstborn? Tis and evil fate that man has come to this, that they have been saved to turn and thank us with this foul craft of Morgoth," he concluded his jaw set, his gaze burning me in its sorrow.

"You don't understand, not all writers are like this, the truth is teenage girls, well any girls for that matter like the thought of someone liking them. And most of them think you were probably the cutest member of the fellowship."

"Cute?"

"Ya, uh hot, good-looking, you know attractive."

"All of my kind are made for the glory of Ilùvatar, it his craftsmanship that is beautiful not ourselves."

"I have an idea…" I answered and quickly opened Microsoft word.

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**Note:** Hello all, I hope you are enjoying this little story I've written! I wanted to make a quick note here and tell you all I am quite aware that elves would not be able to type. Also… I don't talk like I will portray myself in the next chapters. In fact I am portraying myself more to conflict with Legolas' character and dialogue. If I wrote what I would really sound like then there would be little amusement in the following chapters. Thank you so much for your time! I hope you enjoy the rest.


	2. Television?

Chapter 2.

(So anyway, my idea was to let Lego… Prince Legolas write this chapter and say what he wants to, so I guess I should put a disclaimer here and basically say anything he says wasn't my idea, don't sue me, oh and the opinions and beliefs stated by said elf should not be assumed to be the beliefs and or opinions of this writer. Thank you and without further ado, I give you Prince Legolas Greenleaf of Eryn Lasgalen (formally Mirkwood).

I suppose I should start by introducing my purpose for this piece of writing. Bear with me for I was never a poet or historian of renown and my words will surely fall short of there actual purpose. I greet you on behalf of all people's of Middle earth and on behalf of the firstborn, with whom you all seem very enamored.

We are neither a proud people nor one that boasts often of its attributes. But I am proud enough to not let any great injustice towards the firstborn go unchallenged. This will be my feeble attempt to reach to your hearts and plead with you on behalf of myself and on behalf of my people.

I have read many of your stories and am quite flattered by the widespread admiration held for me. However many of them insult me, and as a prince I really must protest to at least a few of them.

(Ok tone it down a bit Prince ok, I don't want to be flamed)

Flamed?

(Yes flamed, it's where people write really mean things and ya…)

It is a sad age indeed if the bravery and strength of men has indeed failed. I have known many men who would stand less for the reputation of one they barely knew.

(Uh huh, well I'm kinda shy; ok… just don't tick people off)

As I was saying, I really must protest a few of them starting with the questioned honor of my father Thranduil Greenleaf king of Eryn Lasgalen. Many fics on here have him as a cold, uncaring man. This I suppose could be the result of the widely acclaimed Hobbit's tale of Bilbo Baggins. My father locked up his companions and this must be the cause of such a perception of him however dwarves cannot always be trusted, and Bilbo was known to flavor the retellings of his stories. An example would be the many colored beards of the dwarves; in actuality none of them had abnormally colored hair.

I could understand such an observation if it stopped there, however it does not. Many, many stories have my father abusing me. I did not know the meaning of the word until Annabeth explained it to me. It seems you have my father unusually angry and taking it out on me in various ways. Annabeth assures me that this is because many readers are attracted to any angst situations and actually enjoy character torture, especially of me.

Now, I really must curb my temper for a moment. There my thoughts are clear, my father is of the best character and I assure you he has never raised a finger to me. Many of you explain his abusive behavior by telling that he is a drunkard, this is an insult to all elves. Men, dwarves, perhaps even Halflings but elves? We are immortal, is it plausible to conclude that we would waste an eternity using alcoholic beverages as a crutch? No it is not, and such talk is the evil of Morgoth, lies spawned by his dark mind.

(Ok now you really can't say that… no one on fanfic is possessed by Morgoth, and people are going to take it as an insult)

I must say what my honor requires of me.

(Don't look at me like that, I know some of this stuff is ridiculous, but again I don't want to be known as the really, mean, girl who likes to insult authors)

They can question my honor not yours. This is my writing from the depths of my heart. I will not talk further of my father, it hurts me deeply to see such lies told about him or for that matter any elf, we are not in the habit of abusing our own children.

Now I shall move on to the topic of angst which was mentioned earlier. Now I know you all admire elves strength and courage but to have us tortured especially for no apparent reason is ridiculous. To have me almost killed over and over and over again is preposterous. I have had some close calls but never have I been poisoned, frozen, stepped on by a troll and shot by a filthy yrch arrow all in the same night. I would have departed for Valinor by now if my lifestyle was so hazardous.

To top it off, I am sincerely sorry to hurt anyone's story plot, but I was never captured by orcs, period. I have been bitten by a Mirkwood spider more than once and have even attempted a swim across the Anduin but never have I been caught by orcs. I would be a nuisance to them, orcs would kill any captives and then digest them in their filthy way unless under specific orders from a higher authority. And again I am sorry to ruin any plot ideas but neither Sauron nor Saruman wanted the Prince of Mirkwood specifically.

(Um… could you hurry it up a bit… it's just that my favorite television show is on and I don't want to leave you here alone)

Television?

(Yes it's this box and it shows things…)

A palantir? In this world…

(No, no not a palantir… oh never mind just try and wrap it up)

I must finish the task I begin, I will not quit until then. If you are in need of the tele-vision than please go I will not hinder you.

(Never mind, but how about this, let's leave the rest of the disparage for the next chapter. You can watch the television with me and then we'll come back to the computer ok? That way you can think over what you want to say)

I do not think I should be distracted.

(We can watch the Lord of the Rings on the television after my show; you can see where the big Legolas craze came from     ok?)

I will watch this portrayal of the destruction of the ring… if only to be advantageous to my understanding of these people's minds.

(ok then, let's go)


	3. Last Plea

Chapter 3.

(Hopefully this will be the last chapter guys but I don't know, you see after I turned on my Sindarin translator on the TV, the prince watched both the Fellowship of the Ring and then Two Towers, both extended versions, in a row! He was quite taken aback by some of the changes PJ made and was ranting the rest of the night. I reminded him of his noble quest with this whole story and he just snorted and played the council scene in the Fellowship over and over and over again, as if he was sure the lost 10 pages of lines would show up somehow. I tried to explain to him about movie time constraints but, needless to say he didn't listen. So if he starts ranting I am sincerely sorry and the disclaimer from last chapter applies here too ok?)

After last night's viewing of the movie's that have made my character so popular I think I now understand the fanfic writer's mind. It is not all evil as I had thought, but this person Orlando Bloom and this other Peter Jackson are to blame.

(You really can't diss an actor, especially Orlando I don't think people will read this if you, um, insult them)

I will not insult them; I am merely explaining who is to blame for all the affection showed towards my character.

(Yes and I understand, but there are these people called fangirls and I really don't want to be hunted down and killed like some warg for your insults)

If these "fangirls" are really enamored with me they will not harm you for what I have said.

(You'd be surprised)

As I was saying, the reason you all are so enamored with the firstborn and make up these ridiculous stories is because the way elves are portrayed in the movie.

(Ranting coming be forewarned)

The elves including myself in that movie are nothing more than humans! What I mean to say is they do not even resemble our kind. It is as if these humans wanted to playact like little children and put on fake ears and hair to do so. The closest portrayal was certainly Lady Galadriel of whom I am informed scared everybody in the first movie. I must declare the lady in the movie has no beauty comparable to the real Lady Galadriel's but she played the heart of the Lady well. I daresay if any of you were to see the real elves of which you write you would be as Annabeth calls it "freaked out" by us as you were in the first movie.

We are not human, our wisdom compared to yours is as that of a strong oak next to a sapling. Now to the real purpose of this chapter, the dreaded Legomance section. Do you realize that on Fanfiction.net alone, there are more than 60 romance fics with myself? I am now glad that Gimli my companion was not also sent to this strange world for he would surely be disappointed that there are only a handful of fics about him.

The first and foremost are the dreaded Mary-sues… Now I have read many so you may not accuse me of being partial, all Mary sues are not evil. As I have said before they are merely the result of the human's attempt to portray the firstborn. As there are none of us left in this time you have no comprehension of what we were like. So the writers try to make us like humans in our courtship and romance.

I will say now that no courtship between a human and an elf has happened in this middle-earth after King Aragorn and Queen Arwen Undomiel. The simple reason? Maturity. An elf could not marry an immature human no more than an old man would marry a babe still upon its mother's breast.

(Hey I said to be careful, I don't want to have to rate this any higher than PG)

The reason behind the formerly mentioned romance was that Aragorn is of the long-lived men. He was more mature than any of his kin and being raised among elves as elf-like of any men as could be possible. Therefore he was not a normal man. All these stories with me falling in love with a mortal are ridiculous. I have known many good women but I cannot say I was attracted to any of them.

I am nearly 3000 years old and my maturity could not be compared to that of a twenty year old no matter how much beating and torture she has been through. If you have not noticed torture and abuse makes a person more mature about as much as hitting a person will make them more wise.

Now I will not talk of the romances where I fall in love with an elf-maiden because most of these are humanized, if I had fallen in love with a she-elf then our courtship would have lasted far longer than a few years and I would never have impugned her honor by sleeping with her before our troth was pledged.

Many elven courtships last far longer than 300 years. The truth is I have not yet found my match and I do not go through life being forlorn about it either! I have work in Ithilien and when that is over I will sail with Gimli to the undying lands, for the sea calls to all of us.

The final category under this writing is a hard one to explain for myself because I do not fully understand it either. I have embarrassed young Annabeth enough over it for she has tried to explain it to me…

(With little success) 

This is what you call "slash", and is comparable to the Mary-Sue's. I never have or will be involved with another male intimately and unlike what many of you would like to think no firstborn ever has. I have said before we are unlike humans in our romance. And I suppose within the small understanding humans have this slash would seem a good explanation for many things, but I really must protest.

I can understand that many of you don't understand, and this is again because none of you have ever seen our kind. I will forgive you. But I must make it plain that it is impossible for me to be pregnant! We may be older but we are not, huhmmm… physically different than our human counterparts, I cannot see how this is possible to think because Elrond and Celebrian had Arwen and the twins. And Arwen presumably had relations with Aragorn to have a child. It is impossible to assume that some of us are made differently and others not so.

Some of these even have me involved with my dear companion Gimli! He is a valiant dwarf with a temper far hotter than mine, I am glad he cannot see this for surely he would kill you all.

(That's bad grammar; you must be pretty heated up about this)

Yes I am! This growing faction of writers makes me bear a child! I am not a woman nor have I ever been! Most of these stories also question my honor and have me running up a tree every time danger comes about! I am a warrior of 3000 years, does anybody really think I am a frail child! I can fight like any other and if I find my soul mate (female) than I will court and wed her, but never will I ever….

(Ok you really need to settle down ok, just say what you want without breaking my keyboard)

Indeed, there my mind is clear. I make this last plea with you, that you may not defame the honored names of the ring bearer, of the King Aragorn, of the Lord Thranduil. For myself I ask nothing, though I hope you will be convicted by this plea. Do not defame the names of those who assured a future full of light and not filled with the darkness of Morgoth. Thank you.

(After that, Legolas leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes quietly, muttering some phrase in elven. He turned and laid a hand on my head, and I felt like a child cowed in his presence, we _really_ do not understand elves. I opened my eyes and he was gone, though his writing remained. Here it is, with the hope that it will accomplish whatever he wanted it toooooooo…What the heck!!!)

Hello my name is Samwise Gamgee…. I hate what you are doing to my poor master; Mr. Frodo is a good soul and you all…

(He just fell in my lap I swear! Here we go again…)


End file.
